There
are many things we cannot fully know until we experience it ourselves.
The
complete joys and trials of parenthood
Growing
old
True
contentment
Forgiveness
The
love of a faithful friend
Enduring
a chronic illness
Caring
for a chronically ill person
And
the presence of God in the dark
Many
thoughts crowd a heart and mind in the darkness and uncertainty of a hospital
room. There are no visitors to say a prayer and wish you well. The unrelenting wrestling match between what
is and what might be or could be or hopefully will be enters round number….what
is it? Infinity it seems. Darkness can feel like a safe friend with an evil
twin sister. In the quiet solitude I
pray the nurses will not enter and disturb her precious sleep, for even as she
groans, at least she is sleeping.
I
am a reluctant traveler, having been thrust down a path I did not choose. I
have dug my heels into the mud as a child whose mother has announced, “It is
time to leave the park and go home.” I
am here. In the dark. Trying to breathe as I cry out to the Father to please,
please bring answers and relief.
The monitor sounds the alarm for
attention as the bag of fluid drips to a close. Funny, how quickly a nurse
tends to a screaming monitor.
I
think of how I am screaming inside and asking for attention from The One who
surely knows I am feeling empty. I am told over and over and over again that
many are praying and yet, it seems nothing is changing. Prayer is such a
mystery.
My mind leafs through scripture passages
I have used to encourage others. My heart aches as I find myself wondering why
they bring me no solace at this moment.
I
am such a fraud. A pastor’s wife who speaks faith to others and yet feels so
empty in the dark.
This may be confusing to my friends who do not know
Jesus as Savior. People who do not know Jesus tell people who do not know Jesus
that if He really loved us we would never suffer pain or confusion or trips
through the faith wilderness. They have falsely assumed He is equipped to be
the “you-aint-never-had-a-friend-like-me” Genie from Aladdin.
This excerpt might possibly confuse some of my
friends who do know Jesus as Savior. There’s another false teaching out there.
It’s the assumption all Christians never question, never wonder why, never have
moments of desperation.
King
David is described as being after God’s own heart. He was God’s chosen man, and
yet he despaired and exclaimed “My flesh
and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever.”
The
journal entry I have shared is many years old and has been relived many times.
One of the wonderful truths about belonging to Jesus is, just like King David,
my despair doesn’t change my Savior. The failure of my flesh and my heart does
not challenge the victory of the battle over my soul.
Every hardship of life is worth the trip when we
determine in our hearts to trust The One who knows everything. If we refuse to
take a detour when we find ourselves on the unpaved path, we will find The Lord will also be a refuge for the
oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
When
I turn my full focus to what is and not on God as my deliverer, I feel empty
in the dark.
When
I turn my eyes on my Savior and choose to trust Him even when I don’t
understand, His peace-bearing presence is just as real as the clicking of the
IV monitor. Am I a fraud? Oh no, I am just a sometimes-confused striver.
God’s
presence in the dark has quieted my panic when my son was serving in
Afghanistan.
His
presence in the dark has whispered rest for my weary body when worry tries to
push in.
God’s
presence in the dark has applied healing balm to my pain when I give up my need
to understand and choose to trust Him because He is The God of Nevertheless.
With
His presence comes the fulfillment of the promise found in Psalm 31, Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen
your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.
So,
to my friends that have never believed in Jesus as Savior—my prayer is that one
day very soon you will choose Him over your own way and know what I have
described.
To
my friends who know Jesus as Savior—do not listen to the enemy who would have
you believe God has left you alone in the dark.
He
is there. He will be very gracious unto
thee at the voice of thy cry; when He shall hear it, He will answer thee.
Isaiah 30:19
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